Sexual Violation The Past, The Present Disclosure Confrontation Healing Where to Find Help Therapists Questions Protect Our Children Greater Risks Sexually Abused Children Older Children Boys Male Survivor How to React to a Child
Robin D. Stone's book, No Secrets, No Lies; How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse, is an excellent resource.
The information on this page contain significant highlights from Ms. Stone's book.
You can find more information about Ms. Stone and her book at robinstone.com.
- Recent statistics show that about one in four women and one in six men report that they were sexually abused as children.
- Blacks are sexually victimized in childhood at the same rate as Whites. In one survey, they reported being more severely abused with greater force.
- Family members and acquaintances account for 93 percent of sexual assaults against people under age eighteen.
- Sexual abuse before age eighteen increases a woman's risk of becoming HIV-positive more than any other factor in her life.
- Black American women were more likely to have withheld reports of attempted rape from authorities.
- Black Americans tended to be the victims of repeated assaults slightly more often than Whites.
- Black girls were more often abused than Whites by relatives other than their fathers. Often the offender was an uncle.
- Black women report "more upset", greater long-term effects, and more negative life "experiences" from sexual abuse than White women.
- Thirty-six percent of women with a history of childhood abuse have received a diagnosis of anxiety or depression from a physician within the past five years, compared with 14 percent of women without such a history.
- Among women with a high level of depressive symptoms, more than one of three (37 percent) thought she needed to see a mental health professional in the past year, yet only one of five (20 percent) actually did.
- Our bodies are not our own: When parents force a child to give into an adult's wishes, to hug or kiss an adult whom the child may be uncomfortable around, the child gets the message that she has no say in what happens to her body and that the wishes of others outweigh her own need for comfort and security.
- Blacks are hypersexual: Ancestors were purchased and sold because of their ability to work and breed. Their bodies were often exposed and even handled at auction. Some white men came to equate this exposure with access and sensuality.
- Black women can tolerate suffering: For many women, what people perceive as strength is simply the mask Black women have been wearing since the days of slavery.
- Race matters: The issue of men's guilt or innocence becomes secondary. Women are castigated for breaking Black ranks and bringing yet another brother down. As long as victims keep silent about sexual abuse, we will continue to sacrifice those who have been victimized for the sake of protecting the race.
- We are family: From 1619 to 1865, when family members were split up and sold away in slavery, others would take in children and the elderly. Today the tradition of extending the family umbrella beyond our immediate clan continues. Unfortunately, not everyone who comes under the umbrella of family can live up to the family trust, thus leaving our children more vulnerable to abuse.
- One for all: The emphasis in African culture was on survival of the tribe rather then the individual, the nuclear family or even the extended family. This practice can be devastating to the survivor who needs to be heard but feels nobody in her family will listen.
- Ain't nobody's business: Many of us are wary of exposing sensitive issues to those we don't know or historically who have not helped us. Acknowledging abuse exposes us at a most vulnerable point.
- We're too busy for healing: Our biggest job has been survival. For many, life meant labor - sunup to sundown - no time for self or family.
It is not uncommon that when the abuse is disclosed, that family members often respond in the following ways:
Remaining silent: After a survivor gathers the courage to tell about the abuse, nothing happens. Often this is the result of ignorance. A family member may not know how to respond, or is having difficulty containing memories of their own history of abuse.
Minimizing: "That's all?" or "It was only once!" The implication is that the abused should be grateful that the abuse was not more severe.
Blaming: Mothers may blame their daughters for "seducing" the male figure. Relationships are often sacrificed between and mother and a daughter, leaving the daughter to wonder if the disclosure was "worth it."
Doubting: "Your father would never do such a thing."
Encouraged to "move on": "Get over it!"
Purpose: What do you want to get out of the experience? Think about what you hope to accomplish and how your actions, regardless of the response of the abuser, will help you to move on with your life.
Method: Confrontation does not have to happen in person. Survivors have confronted by phone, letter, or e-mail. Choose the method that is most comfortable for you.
Location: If you want a face to face meeting, find a neutral spot or home of a supportive family member of friend. Don't go to the home of the abuser, and don't meet in your home.
Reaction: Prepare yourself for the tricks, tactics or comments the abuser might use to catch you off guard. Think about how your reaction might affect your relationship with the rest of your family.
Extra Support: Consider having a friend or relative with you.
Safety: If the abuser has a history of physical violence, it may not be safe to confront.
Your expectations: Don't expect the abuser to suddenly acknowledge or apologize.
Your response: What will you say if your abuser denies it? If the abuser blames you? If the abuser becomes angry? What if the abuser apologizes?
An exit plan: Think about how to end the meeting or conversation, and how you would end it if you became uncomfortable.
Timing: Know that you can decide to change your mind about confronting at anytime.
Afterward: How will you take care of yourself when the confrontation is over?
Regardless of whether a person confesses, it doesn't change the reality of what happened to you.
One of the lessons of sexual abuse is not to abandon yourself, like so many other people have. The healing process is about a commitment to take care of yourself for the rest of your life!
Forgiveness does not mean to forget. Forgiveness is not to release the person who did the harm, but to release the person who has been harmed. It is not your FAULT! Forgiveness brings the freedom to trust, the freedom from fear and suspicion, freedom from bitterness, guilt, shame, freedom to tell the truth.
Don't underestimate the power of faith. It was your faith and spirituality that got you though the situation in the first place.
- Healing Groups
- Group Therapy
- Couples Therapy
- Alternative Practices to Healing
- Ask about their training
- Do they have a special expertise in working with survivors of sexual assault?
- What kind of therapy do they practice? (cognitive, behavioral, analytical)
- How can you reach them during off hours?
- Can they provide you with resources, i.e. books, audio tapes, exercises?
- How open are they to spirituality and metaphysical issues that you may need to discuss?
- How will you know when your work with the therapist is done?
- Was I comfortable?
- Did the therapist seem interested in what I had to say?
- Was the therapist open to my questions?
- Did the therapist seem to respect my racial and ethnic background, my gender, sexual identity, my educational or economic standing?
- Could I challenge this person if I believed that my needs were not being met?
- Sixty-seven percent of all victims of sexual assault reported to police were under the age of eighteen; one in every seven victims (14 percent) was under the age of six.
- Strangers were offenders in just 3 percent of assaults against children six and under, and in 5 percent of assaults of children six to eleven.
- In one study, the average age that parents gave as most appropriate for them to talk to their children about sexual abuse was 9.1 years. Statistics show that children are more vulnerable to sexual abuse starting at age eight. And among children under twelve, four-year olds are at greatest risk of being a victim of assault.
- Up to 66 percent of pregnant teens report histories of sexual abuse.
- In a study of college students, those women at higher risk of sexual abuse were the ones who said they were not close to their mothers or received little affections from their mothers or father.
- Absence of parents: Not having parents present exposes children to the whims of caregivers and their associates.
- Poor relationship with parents: Some studies have shown that molested women were more likely to report having distant, punitive parents.
- Poor relationships between parents: Children of parents in conflict may be emotionally needy or deprived, and abusers can seek to fill that void.
- Stepfather or unmarried partner in the home: One study determined that a stepfather in the home more that doubles a girl's risk; some experts suggest that stepfathers may not feel a sense of restraint with children whom they have not known or cared for from birth.
- Few friends: Social isolation from peers and even siblings leaves children vulnerable to abusers who will capitalize on their need for friendship.
- Lack of information, or negative information, about sex: When children's natural curiosity about sex and sexuality is not addressed or is punished, they are more vulnerable to victimization because they don't know what is appropriate or inappropriate about sexual behavior.
- Lack of appropriate physical affection from parents: Children who do not experience nonsexual touch from adults in their lives are not likely to understand the difference between affectionate touch and sexual touch.
- Alcohol or drug use in the home: Alcohol and drugs are known to lower inhibitions, enabling a potential offender to act on an emotional or physical need.
- Loss of interest or withdrawal from important activities
- Inappropriate interest or knowledge of sexual acts
- Hyperactivity
- Rebellion/challenging authority
- Hostility/excessive aggression
- Regressive behavior, such as thumb-sucking or bed wetting
- Sleep difficulties/nightmares or difficulty falling asleep
- Change in eating habits
- Passivity
- Self-destructive/cutting or biting
- Running away, stealing, lying
- Early use of drug or alcohol
- Early sexual involvement
- Promiscuity
- Delinquency
- Suicide attempts
- Ninety-three percent of offenders against young men were known to them. Males are more often abused by someone they know who is outside the family.
- Forty percent of boys reporting physical or sexual abuse showed symptoms of depression, compared with 13 percent of boys who had not been abused.
- Abused boys were nearly three times as likely as non-abused boys to show signs of low self-confidence.
- Nearly half of abused boys (49 percent) said they had not talked with anyone about their physical or sexual abuse, compared with 29 percent of abused girls. When asked with whom they shared that they were feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or depressed, boys were more likely that girls to say "no one."
- Abused boys were twice as likely as non-abused boys to smoke or drink frequently or to have used drugs.
To provide the most effective support, parents or caregivers need to check their own attitudes regarding masculinity and sexuality and monitor the messages sent to their sons. Boys need to know:
- Being abused does not make you gay!
- You did the right thing to tell!
- Being strong is being able to say "This happened to me!"
- Being strong is about getting help and regaining control over your life!
- It's ok to talk about your feelings.
- You will be kept safe from the abuser.
- It is not your fault!
- You are not weird!
Remain calm: Don't further injure a child by letting your anger show. No matter what you say, she/he can believe that your anger is at them.
Listen: Be patient and let the child share what they want to tell you in their own way.
Be supportive: Tell the child how glad you are that they told you, praise the child for being brave enough to tell you. Assure the child that they did the right thing.
Believe the child: Show it! Disclosure is often the only way a parent would know a child has been abused. There are rarely telltale signs. A child may see the turmoil the disclosure has caused and "take it back." Recanting is not unusual in these instances.
Comfort: Say you are sorry about what happened, and that what happened to the child was wrong. Never suggest that the child encouraged the abuse.
Reassure: Tell the child it was not their fault.
Ensure their safety: Make sure the offender no longer has access to the child. Tell the child you will do everything you can to protect them.
Take action: Share information about a case of suspected abuse with others in your family. Put the safety of the child above any family loyalties or allegiances.
Report it and get help: Contact the police, your local child protective services or your local victim service organization. Take your child for a thorough medical examination.
Cited in No Secrets, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse, by Robin D. Stone © 2004